into the becoming

I just sat and looked through the past few entries I made here...and I think what I was feeling as far as my submission goes was a really bad disconnect that Moose and I had going. We got so caught up in life that this stuff seemed to take a back burner, and I was definitely missing it.

Turns out, he was too. Funny how that works.

I think we re-connected this weekend. I was getting so nervous that by Wednesday, I nearly had a complete meltdown. I left work midday and was going to meet Moose at a restaurant for lunch before hitting up Wal-Mart for some last minute supplies.

*hits pause as cat lays on arm*

So I have someone drop me off at the restaurant, instead of dropping me off at my car (where my phone was) so I could drive to the restaurant. It was raining, of course, and due to some horrible miscommunication on my part and the idiocy of not having my phone, I ended up standing outside for an hour waiting for him, while he had fallen asleep in his car waiting for me a block down.

I finally got through to him (the ass-y restaurant people wouldn't let me use their phone) and I just broke down. Since then, I've been so clingy...and then to be camping with him, it just made it moreso. There was a moment this weekend where we went to a little Cocktail event but he had forgotten his badge and I offered to wait while he went back to get it...bad idea. I ended up crying, in front of all those people while I sat in a corner like a little lost dog. He came back to a mess, and was utterly and understandably confused because I couldn't tell him or even try to explain what was going on. From then on, he was careful not to leave me alone...and it made me feel so safe.

I loved where we ended up setting up camp - it was at the top of "Cherry Hill", so it was isolated enough to give us space when we needed time to ourselves, but we could easily walk to where the fun was. It was beautiful up there, and even though it was cold and rained, we still had fun. We had fun getting frustrated over the tent, we had fun when we woke up with a flat tire on my car the morning we were going to leave, we had fun eating hot dogs for breakfast.

I saw a lot of things over the weekend that made me smile, a lot of things that reaffirmed things I want or don't want to try, and I did new things. I peed outside. I took a shower completely naked in the sunshine. I met people I admire, desparately wanting them to like me as some sort of selfish affirmation that even as I am, I'm okay.

Well, I was feeling good up until that last line, which sort of sucked the sails right outta me.

I cried when we left, and we're already planning for next year.