into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 pear, 2 1/2 cup servings of cottage cheese, 3 "mini" pickles, a salad with olives and dressing, 1 turkey cutlet.

Total caloric intake: 655

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike, officework, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2462

Current weight: 267

6:53am

"Knowledge comes but wisdom lingers." - Alfred, Lord Tennyson

How appropo.

As i went through the day yesterday, i began to feel more calm. i couldn't really put a finger on it, until i started talking to Akodo later on.

i realized that even though i still -feel- the same as i described, it ain't helping. It's only creating bad things, not just for me, but for people i care about. If i want good things to happen, then i need to create good things, and that includes creating good things for people i care about.

i feel like i've finally done the separation i needed.

Akodo voiced some...disbelief over what i was saying. Who can blame Him? i'm running from one extreme to another. i guess though, if you think about it, i'm really not...i'm just dealing with the same feelings differently. i asked Him for time to prove that i mean what i say - i can't make Him believe me just with words because my words have been all over the damn place lately. i have to prove it by consistant actions.

i don't know why it's different now. Maybe i'm just ready to deal with it.

Amazingly enough, i also feel like spending more time with Darrin...even though i know it won't lead to anything M/s related at all. It's not an overpowering feeling, just...i don't know. i guess i'm trying to find the joys in my life as it is.

The ache is still there...oh, i don't know if it'll ever go away. Since all this started a week ago, the ache has been slowing shifting in focus, away from Akodo. Now, it almost seems sharper...more acute because there's no focus.

Still haven't made up my mind about Gor. Maybe i'll be smarter now. i dunno.