into the becoming

What i wrote at work yesterday:

This morning i did my "Tae-Bo" workout. It makes me feel all grr...kicking and punching and stuff.

Officially, this morning, i've lost 10 pounds since last Thursday!

i had a talk with Aiden last night - He said He wanted to clear the air between us. i thought that He was talking about the night i got angry at Him, but He wanted to make sure that i knew that He was never going to own me. It kind of made me feel a little stupid - i mean, i've always known that, but obviously my actions have said otherwise. The talk went well, i think we've settled into a pleasant acquaintance-type relationship.

Kind of makes me wonder what else my actions have said. Akodo gave me a wake-up call about them, that's for sure...i think i should be more careful that my actions match my beliefs and words.

i miss Akodo. i have pangs of aching sometimes...even though He's still here, still a part of my life, i know i messed it up on some level. i have no doubt that He could have (and still might) decided to not have anything to do with me at all, could have booted me out. i'm trying very hard to make the most out of this second chance that He's given me.

In a weird way...i'm still focused on Him. Right now i'm trying to...not really distance myself, but i'm trying to change my behavior that wasn't good. i know that He doesn't own me anymore...except in the most technical of ways, so i'm trying to show Him that i respect the decision He made. More than anything, i think it's great that He's concentrating more on rt - i think that's a very smart, very wise decision. i admit that i'll miss Him, of course i will...but i'm more content knowing that He's happy.

i'll probably have my clingy moments. =( i hope He doesn't mind too terribly much.

Right now i feel like i have a good handle on things. That is subject to change, but...i think i'll be able to keep a clearer head.

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i've decided that i'm going to add in a few more items to my diet - up until now i've been very strict with myself, but it's -really- hard to want to eat salad without dressing. =( i just have to be careful, and continue to watch my calories. i'm trying to limit myself to 700 a day, and so far i've kept it between 400 and 500.

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i just re-read a few entries in my PS diary, and some of the things Akodo's written me. *sighs* Yeah, i miss Him. i've thought about what exactly i miss...wondering if it's just the attention, or if it's Him. Right now...i think it's a combination of both. It's His attention. Yeah, i crave a strong hand guiding me, but...i miss His hand. Stupid frog.

Bleh, shake it off, girl. you're still alive, you're still allowed near Him, and you're less 10 pounds.