into the becoming

Why is it that I can't get away from stupid on Monday mornings? Why is it, when I am trying to get these freakin people PAID on Monday mornings, that I am suddenly overwhelmed with stupid questions?

It never freakin fails. Never. I can count on getting at LEAST 3 stupid questions while I'm up to my ass in payroll - questions about attendance points (when everyone KNOWS that their general foremen can look that up just the same as me), and random benefits questions ("What would I have to tell them so that I could get my girlfriend on my insurance?") and whatever freaking else happens to pop in their tiny little brains that convinces them it's SO IMPORTANT that they have to interupt me while I'm trying to GET THEM MONEY because they can't wait OMGWTF and if I try to ignore them they STAND THERE and STARE AT ME.

Seriously, why is writing in caps so theraputic? hee.

CAPS LOCK IS TEH AWESOMES.

Moving on.

I gave this blog to someone I know. It was surprisingly nerve-wracking for me, waiting until I heard from this person to make sure they still liked me. How silly is that? I was worried that the things in my life would freak them out - but I actually got a compliment instead of a freakout. So, yay for you.

I talked with fish today about something that was a little...I'm not sure of what word to use yet. She told me that she was watching TLC this weekend, and they played the "Half-Ton Mom/Dad/Teen" series - basically shows about people who are morbidly obese. She mentioned that the shows made her mad, because she figured that once people got to a certain point, they should have done something about the weight. I told her that I wasn't allowed to watch those shows (edict from Moose) because I too often see myself in them.

I see the fear in those people, the same fear that I have, and that I'm starting to realize how much I have. I have had fleeting glimpses of that fear, so I can imagine what living an entire life based on it would be like, and so I can too easily put my face on those bodies and just....freak right the fuck out. It's my greatest fear, becoming like that, and yet, that fear only paralyzes me in a state that only exacerbates that same fear. I'm afraid because I'm fat, and I'm fat because I'm afraid.

I haven't found a fear...or a want...that is stronger than the fear I already have, so instead of being motivated, I just...am.