into the becoming

6:49am

Lots of thoughts going through my head on the drive in to work this morning.

i'm beginning to realize, i think, that i - Jennifer - am not and won't ever be a Gorean slave. It just ain't gonna happen. i would love to be held in that state, but it's just an impossibility. i think i've clung so hard to Gor because i wanted that fantasy to be reality. And that's just...well, it's dumb. i'm a human, a female, and even though i am totally and completely service-driven, there is a very real and human part of me that needs to have basic human needs met. i can't completely lose my sense of self.

i began to think about my involvement with Gor as a relationship - and i wondered why i was staying. What am i getting out of it? It sucks to think that way, but that's the truth of it.

i'm putting a lot of effort in caring about what these people think...and i shouldn't. i really, really shouldn't. Most of these people don't even know my name, and if they do, there are only one or two of them that really care about me. Why am i exerting so much energy trying to please these people? i've learned a very hard lesson lately that people will say whatever they can to get what they want out of you. Why should i put myself in that position?

i don't know if i need to go to the extreme of actually leaving - but i definitely need to re-evaluate.