into the becoming

7:05am - Tuesday

You know...i really am grateful for everything that has happened. Every fear, every moment of walking on eggshells, every delirious pleasure, every state of confusion. i'm grateful for everything, because i feel like i've learned from them. i can't pick and choose what to be grateful for, because it's all helped me. i've learned what is healthy for me, what kinds of people i need to surround myself with, what kind of behaviors are detrimental to me. i have to remember (but not wallow in!) the bad things, so that i can adjust my aim and move in a better direction.

i really feel like i'm doing so much better. People have noticed when i talk to them that i just seem...well, brighter. i think that was the word used.

It's actually sort of interesting to me now...because i can see people falling back into negative behaviors. Not that i'm any kind of judge, but i can just recognize them now, and it gives me insight into those people.

Like Alanis says...i'm tired of being so masochistic. i'm tired of putting myself in such harmful experiences just because it's attention. i'm tired of putting my life aside for people that don't care about it, and use my loyalty as blackmail. i'm tired of hurting myself and beating myself up over and over and over again because i'm not a model of perfection. i'm tired of hiding behind my body. i'm tired of protecting my most inner being. i'm tired of being so selfish, and i'm tired of feeling guilty.

So i'm not gonna. i've got a good circle of people around me now, and i'm going to do everything in my power to give just as much as i'm receiving.

So if you're reading this, and you're smiling...i'm grateful for you.

Yep, even you.

8:26am - Wednesday

i forgot to pick up my prescription yesterday, and so i've been without happy pills for 2 days. i can definitely feel it today - i'm irritable and hermit-ish. i feel quite disgusted with myself, actually.

Later...

Not so disgusted with myself anymore...now i'm more disgusted with other people. All of a sudden, it's all blatantly clear just how...stupid i was for even involving myself with them.