into the becoming

Foods eaten: banana, pork chop, cottage cheese, grilled chicken strips, rice

Total caloric intake: 795

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk, 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 2456

Current weight: 263

6:45am

"Breathing in, be one with your own breath. Breathing out, be one with your own breath." - Instructions on Sitting

well, that quote is appropriate today, because i did a little bit of reading yesterday. i think i might be what is called an "emotional eater", confusing the comforting sensations of food with feeling better. i'm not really an overeater, because i don't eat all the time...i just eat inappropriate food at inappropriate times.

So, i think i need to do a bit of research on that, before my situation becomes too bad to fix. i know that i am overweight, but again - my situation is fixable. i'm not incapasitated by my weight, i'm not bedridden or disabled because of my weight. i have been able to lose 20 pounds so far. So, i think now is the time to do something before i realize one of my two greatest fears - being the 1 ton woman.

i've got my eye on a few books from Amazon, and i think that i need to concentrate on finding other things to focus on when i get struck with urges. Meditation, working out, even simple things like removing myself from close proximity to food or taking a nap.

i need to also remember that while i need to stay diligent to my plan, i have to realize that...well, that deviations from the plan do not mean failure. If i stay constant to my plan, there will be room for additions - especially once i begin increasing my workouts. i don't have to be limited from the food i love for the rest of my life - i just have to realize that the foods i love aren't the best for my system, but once my system is healthier and able to more easily process those foods, i can indulge once in awhile. What i need to be careful of is making sure that the indulgences don't come too soon, and too close together. i was living a life of indulgences, and look where it got me.

So, once again, for my continued pounding-into-the-brain, here is my plan:

- Eat mainly fruits, vegetables, and leans meats. Additions can include "natural foods" - eggs, nuts, and also some bread, cheese, and low-calorie soups and yogurt.

- Drink mainly water, with tea and fruit juices added in.

- Exercise at least 30 minutes a day of concentrated, continuous increased heart rate. i may increase that to 1 hour a day, broken up into two sessions, once i get re-acclimated to the exercise after being sick.

- Keep calories to 800 or less each day.

- Eat smaller things more frequently during the day to boost metabolism.

- Do not eat past 7:30pm.

- Continue to work on ways to curb cravings until they go away (which they will, right?).

9:27am

If i'm having problems, and i think about all the people that want me to succeed, and how i don't want to disappoint them...is that a good practice to use for curbing my cravings? i'm not sure. It smacks of a guilt trip, and i don't really want to go there...

9:42am

Email from fish:

"Is it guilt? Or, is it simply external motivation? People want you to succeed because they love you. Love as a motivator isn't the same thing as guilt, I don't think. You could turn that into a PART of your motivation because you love them, too. But the bulk of your motivation has to come from within. An external motivator will not sustain you for the long haul. "