Why this bisexual blogger supports Miss California

My blog isn't read often, so this probably won't get seen much...but I had to voice my opinion about this whole Miss California / Perez Hilton thing. After all...I'm entitled to my opinion, aren't I?

Personally, I don't consider myself bisexual. I live with my boyfriend of nearly 7 years. I just happen to also have a woman in my life that I fell in love with. I'm not normally attracted to women enough to consider myself bisexual, but maybe just the fact that I love a woman makes me one. Who knows - it's all semantics to me. I have always been a supporter of gay rights, and I do support gay marriage.

I support gay marriage for the simple legalities. I believe that "marriage" has become a catch-all phrase for a ceremony that includes not only religious meaning, but legal meaning. I believe that those two things should never be combined. I believe that the "lawmakers" (whomever they might have been forever-ago) shouldn't have used the religious marriage ceremony as a basis for legal rights - however, I also understand that they probably didn't have much else to go on, and that religious diversity was not an issue at that point in time as it is now. I believe that the religious meaning of marriage should be defined by religions, and that the legal state of marriage should be defined by the law (at either state or federal level).

Religion is, and always has been, a deeply personal experience. For the record, I also do not affiliate myself with any organized religion, though I do consider myself to be personally spiritual. However, I would never have the arrogance to tell someone what they should believe in, just as I expect no one to tell me what I should believe in. As long as those religious beliefs do not hurt anyone (physically, not emotionally), then I believe that people should be able to believe what they wish.

I didn't watch the telecast of the Miss USA contest. I have read transcripts of the question posed by Perez Hilton and the answer given by Miss California on various news websites, including MSNBC, FOXnews, and ABC.

I have to wonder...did Perez know that his question would be answered by Miss California?

I have no problem with the question itself - I question the appropriateness of it simply because of it's ties to religious beliefs. What if Perez had asked if she supported terrorist movements against the US, and she happened to be a member of the Taliban? (I know, I know...so many things wrong with that picture, but go with the analogy)

Basically...no matter how she answered, she was going to be booed by someone.

On top of that, Perez had to go and call her out on his website (which I completely admit to visiting on more than one occasion), calling her names. Let's see...who came out looking like a better person there? Sorry Perez...I'm personally boycotting your site now. The hate that came out of your mouth after being given an honest answer to a question of opinion was nothing better than the hatred against gays. Hatred is hatred...it doesn't know sexual orientation, skin color, or religious beliefs.

So, why do I support her? Because she was honest. She gave an honest, opinionated answer to a question about her opinion.

Do I agree with her? Of course not. But you bet your ass I support her opinion.

For a long time, Moose and I struggled with our D/s relationship. What we finally realized was that we needed to concentrate on aspects of our "base" relationship so that the D/s part could be possible. We both had issues with past relationships that we needed to resolve.

We forgot about the D/s stuff for awhile...we came close to breaking up (which was totally and admittedly my fault)...and then it turned around, and we've been better than ever. Except for all the stuff I blew up about a few posts back.

And I've been struggling with that, with the thought process of a woman versus the thought process of a slave. The slave in me wonders why I'm not happy. The slave in me boggles at my need to be recognized by him. Why is all of this so important to me? Why can't I just let it go? The woman in me wonders why the slave even asks those questions. I feel like...inside my head, the woman and the slave are staring at each other in the uncomfortable silence of two people who speak different languages.

It would have been easier when I could separate being a woman and a slave. Now that the two are so joined for me, I'm struggling.

"Woman" - Delta Goodrem

I worked late but you don't wait up
My bones ache and I'm cleaning the place up
Sometimes i don't even know I care

I sit down take off my make-up
I lay down but you don't wake up
Sometimes I wonder if you know I'm there

I can't remember the last time you
Told me I'm beautiful, and I can't remember
Last time you said anything at all

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough

Now i hope that you don't wake up
When it's too late to make up
You'll be the one that's alone and that's sad

In time you'll find somebody
The truth is she'll never be me
And that's when you're going to miss what we had

When all I really needed to hear was "you're beautiful"
All I really needed to hear was anything at all

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough

I'm not your friend who only needs you sometimes
And if I'm your lady
You got to treat me like...

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough
-------------------------------------------
Just something that I can relate to lately.

I made it. I got up all five days and did my biking.

That said (with all due celebratory boob-shaking and whatnot), yesterday was a...strange, upsetting day.

While driving into work, I started thinking about things (stop looking surprised), and I got a little down. Not hugely down, just kind of...pensive. While I was at work (the whole three hours I was there), I was in a good mood. Laughing, joking, etc. Happy frog.

Then...I went to the Devil's Playground. A.K.A. - Wal-mart.

I have had a theory about this particular Wal-Mart for awhile. It goes something like this:

This particular Wal-Mart is possessed by something ancient and evil that simply fills everyone with either stupidity or rage the moment those automatic doors whoosh behind them.

Normally I can let these things slide. But yesterday...yesterday, while pushing my grocery cart of noms and clutching my pink paper of grocey-listness, I fell thoroughly into the rage-filled category. I was raging at this stupid mom with three stupid kids who looked at me waiting for her to get out of my way and didn't move. Three different times. I was seething at the two old women who had to fill up the paper bags for frozen items IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE, and then have the guts to look up at me and laugh.

But it was more than that.

I was raging at everything...god, by the time I got home, I could have easily done something criminal and gleefully giggled about it. I don't ever remember being so pissed off...I was angry about work, about Wal-Mart, about the asshole driving so slow in front of me, about my situation with Moose...it just caught me off-guard, the intensity of it.

I came home and basically told Moose that he should stay the hell away from me until I woke up from a nap, because I was liable to say things I shouldn't. Or maybe I should. I don't know.

We've been talking about his reluctance to marry. We've gotten to the point that he has realized that breaking a promise that he made to himself when he was five is more important than the life he has now.

Moose is...very self-focused. Things are important only if they affect him. When a choice must be made, logic fails against which item is -his-. Take, for instance, the garage situation. There's a two car garage. He has 4 vehicles. One has taken up permanent residency in the yard with a recliner rotting in the back. (Don't even TELL me how hick this is. I know.) One is parked outside and is used on an infrequent basis, but still used. One is his baby, a 79 Trans Am that is taking up one of the spots in the garage with much understanding. The other is a car a few years old that he bought about a year ago go that he wouldn't have to spend a fortune on gas and is used daily. This car is parked in the garage as well.

I have a 2007 Honda Fit. I bought it new. I have parked it in the garage twice. It bothers me that he thinks his cars are more important than my newer and more expensive car. It bothers me that he wants me to feel like a part of his life, but he can't give up a freaking space in his garage after seven years of being together. It bothers me that this winter, when I asked him to please move my car into the garage when he left for work, he did it once. One time.

Yeah, it might sound petty. But things like this happen all the time. I do the picking-up on a daily basis around the house. When I don't, he gets all frustrated and decides that the house must be cleaned RIGHTNOWOMG, getting into one of his whirlwinds where he wears himself out and gets even more frustrated in the process.

I do things because if I don't, they won't get done.

And more and more, I'm wondering why in the hell I'm doing it.

He has an idea of himself. He wants to be this coolguyrockstar, the one who his friends wish they could be. What he doesn't realize is that he already has given that up. Or maybe he does realize it, and regrets it. The thing is, this coolguyrockstar made a promise that he'd never get married. And he is clinging to that like a dying man...thinking that will "save" him, from whatever. From life, maybe.

It's not just about getting married anymore. It's about my future with him.

So, he needs to make a decision. He needs to choose between coolguyrockstar...and reality. One will have me around....the other won't.

So far, I've gotten up all three days to bike in the morning. Yay me!

Oddly enough...I've been inspired to start running as well.

No, wait. Don't get excited and supportive yet, until I explain my reasoning.

See, a friend a work is training to run a marathon that is actually this weekend. She's been talking about it a lot, and a group of us went out for lunch on Tuesday and we were all asking questions. She mentioned that one day she ran 21 miles (OMGWTF?!), and that the one time that she ran 16 miles on a treadmill it told her that she burned something like 2800 calories.

The frog's ears (I know they don't have any, go with it) perked up. 2800 calories? Well, shit. I could eat whatever the fuck I wanted, whenever the fuck I wanted. I just gotta run 16 miles.

*stare*

Moving on.

It's been KA-razay busy at work lately...I got moved over to a new payroll system that truthfully is only like, half done and so I had to create a whole crapload of reports that I needed for billing and such. Much crapness. Though, I rediscovered my love for pivot tables. I heart me some pivot tables. So, what with creating all this stuff, working through bugs, and having to adjust my routine (which if you know me at all is CATASTROPHIC), I've been pretty tired by the time I get home.

I'm also fairly certain I have more gallstones.

AND.

I came out to my mom on Saturday about my "lifestyle choice" - meaning, I told her about my wife. I even told her about the committment ceremony we had. She took it well...I mean, as well as I could have expected. She wasn't all fangirl about it...but she wasn't horrified either. We were having a big discussion in the car about how I think she is/was an awesome parent (she's going through some stuff that's making her a little uncertain), and it just sorta....came out. heh. I always thought that if I ever did tell her, that she'd still love me and all of that...and she does, she said so...said she just wants me to be happy and all of that. But I tell you what, doing that left me pretty much brainless until Monday. I came home on Saturday and Moose pretty much told me that I had the same look in my eyes that I used to get after a particularly heavy beating - i.e. I was "somewhere else." It completely drained me...even though it wasn't a negative experience in the slightest. I still worry about what she thinks of it all...but I probably will for awhile no matter what is said, because I'm lame like that.

Wow.

So....what a week. I think that officially my brain has permanently decayed to a state of goo. New payroll systems, conference calls, limited time, uncertainty about the state of affairs at work and general OMGWTF-ness has left me a blabbering fool.

I've been doing alright with my goals...I did get up early two days to bike, and that's more than what I did last week, so I'm trying to remember that. If I think about how I ONLY got up two days to bike, then I get in spiral-fail-mode...so...

Yay me!! Yay me for getting up two days!!

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each days a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned
Leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
If today was your last day

Going against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts cause there's no second try
So live it like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your whole life

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark
On ending a broken heart
You know it's never too late
To shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
Cause you can't rewind
A moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
Cause the hands of time
Are never on your side

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

-If Today Was Your Last Day, Nickelback

Everytime that fog lifts, I am grateful. I remember when I never thought I would see it go away, when I thought that it would forever be a part of me...so when it does recede, I am that much more happy.

Do I have a lot of work to do? Oh yes. Am I ready for it? I'm not sure. But, I'm not overwhelmed by it at the moment...so I'm happy with that fact alone.

Someone gave me a compliment the other day...one I've never considered for myself. They said: "...ready to be in the world as someone not looking for anything, but happy in yourself that you dont -need- someone else. I think its the biggest triumph youve ever made. or any woman has ever made that Ive had the privelidge of watching."

We were talking about how my slavery has changed from an external process into an internal one, and how I no longer feel like someone else...has to bring my slavery out. It simply is there, inside me, all the time, and while others can influence how much shows...they cannot influence the fact that it exists.

I wish that I could project that contentment into other areas of myself.

274.

I found myself torn between two states of mind today. The first was familiar - I wanted to figure out just how I had let myself get back up to 274. I wanted to linger and marinate in the past, going over every minute detail and punishing myself for every bad decision, every morsel of food that I didn't need. The second was newer to me, and I'm sort of eyeballing it with a wary caution. I felt ready to move on - to take that factual information of 274 and implement it into a new direction.

Weird. But hey...I've got nothing to loose in trying a new direction. Except about 100 pounds.

So on the way to work today, I started thinking about things I wanted to start doing. I want to start writing in my blog more. I want to start exercising more. Okay, check. What about things I'm doing now that I want to continue doing? I want to continue taking care of the house like we have in the past couple of weeks. I want to keep making dinner at night and eating at the table, instead of in the living room. I want to keep being mindful of the food I am eating, and I want to keep trying to eat more vegetables. I want to continue bringing healthy (interesting that I originally typed in "good" and then backspaced...) food into work with me. Alright - I'm already doing these things, so I should be able to keep them up.

When I got up this morning, I set my alarm so that I could wake up in time to get on the bike for 30 minutes in the morning. I can watch the news while I do it so that it goes by faster, and plan out what I want to wear that day, too. I'm really trying to not jinx myself by thinking that it'll be too hard, or that I won't do it. If I can, then I will have my 30 minutes of exercise in each day before I get home from work, and if I feel I have enough energy to do more, I can before or after dinner. Plus, I remember that when I was exercising in the morning before, I was feeling more energized in the morning - which can't hurt.

I just looked on WedMD, and their BMI Calculator doohickey says that I should be weighing somewhere between 125 and 169 to be healthy. Hrm. I actually think that's a little low for me...I still would like to hit somewhere between 190 and 200 and see where that leaves me. It also says that my caloric intake for each day should be around 1900. I know I can do it...hell, I was restricting myself to 500 calories a day at one point. I know that I usually eat around 700 calories during the day at work, so that leaves plenty for a good dinner. I don't really think I need to concentrate much on my eating habits - I think I've done enough work on that over this past year that I feel comfortable where I am right now, I might just need to watch myself more at dinner time.

Right now though...I can feel the creeping darkness start in around the edges of my vision. Nice image, eh? That's what it feels like...like my peripheral vision is clouded, and it's steadily affecting how I see things. I feel ugly, and upset, and a whole bunch of other undesirable u-words. It's probably just due to getting my period soon, but in the moment...sometimes it still feels like it can stay forever. I need to stay busy, at least until I get home.

Relationship meme

1. Who eats more?

Me. OMG me. Me, the out-of-control over-eater.

2. Who said “I love you” first?

I think he did. I don't remember, but I remember being pretty sure early on.

3. Who is the morning person?

I'm a morning person Monday through Thursday. After Thursday, my switch gets flipped. And normally he works third shift, soooo...

4. Who sings better?

I don't know that I've ever really -heard- him sing. He does moose-calls pretty good, though.

5. Who’s older?

Him, by almost 6 years. (HA!)

6. Who’s smarter?

He says he's not smart, but he is. He's extremely mechanically inclined, and can figure pretty much anything out. He's taught himself all about computers, can fix cars, broken water pipes, and my bad days.

7. Who’s temper is worse?

We both have issues with bottling things up until we explode, but we've been working on our communication skills the last few years, and have made some good changes. I don't know about which is worse, but my outbursts tend to be violent and short, while he tends to carry grudges.

8. Who does the laundry?

Normally I do, but he's been helping since he cleaned the basement.

9. Who does the dishes?

Again...normally I do, but he's been helping because he was laid off for a couple of weeks.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?

As you look at the bed, the right side is mine. M.I.N.E. The left side is stinkyboyland.

11. Who’s feet are bigger?

His, although I think we're pretty close.

12. Who’s hair is longer?

Mine used to be, but he just might have me trumped now that I got my hair cut to my shoulders.....

13. Who’s better with the computer?

I was, but he is catching up and has probably passed me in a few areas.

14. Do you have pets?

Two black cats - Lana and Lia.

15. Who pays the bills?

We don't share money at all - so we each pay our own bills. As far as household bills goes, he pays the house payment and gas/electric, and I pay for water and amenities.

16. Who cooks dinner?

We both do, depending on what we're hungry for. If we're having pasta or tacos, he cooks.

17. Who drives when you are together?

Usually he does - only because I can't freaking stand the fidgiting he does when he's a passenger.

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?

We take turns, usually.

19. Who’s the most stubborn?

He is. OMG he is. But he won't admit it. Ever.

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?

Me. I sometimes admit to being wrong when I'm not wrong.

21. Who’s family do you see more?

I think we see them about the same...his live about 10 minutes away, and mine are only about 45 minutes away.

22. Who named your pet?

I did - the cats actually have Russian names that we shortened. Svetlana Schmoo and Feodalia Foo.

23. Who kissed who first?

He kissed me first. Watching the sun rise after we met for the first time and stayed up all night at a park by the river...

24. Who asked who out?

I think I suggested actually meeting somewhere...

26. Who’s more sensitive?

Oo. I'm not sure. He can be pretty sensitive - he's revealed some things to me that have surprised me. But of course, he never says anything about it....

27. Who’s taller?

He is, by a few inches.

28. Who has more friends?

Him. He has way more friends than I do...He's quite a social moose.

29. Who has more siblings?

He has two brothers, I have one sister. We're both the oldest, though.

i feel like i've learned a lot this year...but when i try to think of things to actually record and document them, i go blank. =(

i did learn that digestive issues suck ass, and not in a good way.

i did learn that i have major body image issues. Well, i guess that's kind of a duh statement, but i *did* accept that i have major body image issues.

i did learn that i am entirely too lazy.

i did learn that one can become a Star Wars geek through osmosis.

i learned a lot about my slavery - what it means to me, and what it shouldn't mean to other people.

i learned about being grateful for having the family i have.

i learned that i love my silly little cats.

i learned that i need to spend my energy on the things that matter, and stop wasting it on things that don't.

Well...some of these are things i already knew, but have re-learned. Like how much i love Darrin and Melly, and how much of a boring nerd i am. But yeah...lots of volume, little words.

Well. The frog has been remiss.

Most importantly, last Tuesday i had surgery to remove my gall bladder. OMGWTF. i did NOT know that three little cuts could hurt so fucking much. i've always been a bit sensitive to anesthesia, so after i finally got into surgery at around 1pm, i didn't actually get out the hospital until about 9pm because i kept throwing up - which, i'm sure you can imagine, just made everything feel so much better.

O.o

Side note: i wasn't aware that the gall bladder was intimately tied to things such as a vomiting, coughing and sneezing. Doing any of these things literally makes me cry like a little bitch.

i haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep because i can't really be in one position for a long time, though last night was better. i just now found out that cheddar cheese is apparently something i can no longer eat, because after i had some this morning, it tried it's very best to claw itself out of my body ASAP. OMG, so much pain. It radiated from the painful hole where my GB used to be all the way into my sternum. i even had pain medication IN me, so i can't imagine what it would have been like without it.

i haven't really noticed much of a difference from my symptoms before, but that's probably because the pain has been taking up most of my concentration - though i have noticed that except for today's cheese debaucle, i haven't really been nauseated. i just can't eat very much at one time - i'm getting full very quickly.

i haven't returned to work yet - i go back to the doctor tomorrow so he can give me the go ahead.

tammy - thanks for the note, i'm hoping mine works out too.

i went with Darrin today to vacuum and wash his car. We stopped at the grocery store on the way back, and as we were leaving i noticed that there were what i call "corn flakes" in the air - basically it's bits of corn leaves from the grain elevator a few blocks over. They were covering his newly washed car, and we were making jokes about it. Then i said, "Well, at least your car gets to sit in the garage!"

i sincerely meant it as a joke, but Darrin immediately got defensive about it. The subject has come up before - even though my car is newer and was more expensive, my car is the one that sits outside all year long, while Darrin's Trans Am and his car take up the double car garage.

i got irritated. Yeah, i got freaking irritated. i know that i'm supposed to be a slave and all, but dammit - he keeps spouting off these reasons why i should feel dumb for not feeling settled and for wanting to be married. How if he didn't really want me in the house he would have kicked me out years ago, blahblahblah. Fine. But when shit like this is thrown in my face, when he tells me that he considers me an EQUAL but so obviously gives less than a shit about MY things and makes me consider HIS things first - somewhere there's a communication break-down.

So right now? i AM feeling like a slave. i'm feeling like a taken-for-granted, forgotten-in-the-corner, convenient-when-needed slave. i feel like i trade room and board for buying groceries every week, paying the water bill, cable bill, internet bill and phone bills, cleaning the house (because OMG if he has to), doing his fucking laundry, and providing a pussy when he wants to fuck.

This week has been quite the eye-opener for me.

For a long time, i felt like a big hypocrite. i said i was submissive, but i wasn't really...anyway, i don't want to dwell on that. i've done quite enough of that.

So, anyway. A few weeks ago, Darrin and i had a big discussion about the state of our D/s lives. i had been feeling more and more submissive towards him - not actively, but more like i was finally relaxing into my natural state. Which is weird after 6 years, right? Whatever. While we were having said big talk, he finally told me some things about how he'd felt over the years and it totally made sense to me.

Basically, i was an ass.

Moving on.

Near the end of the talk, i told Darrin that i felt like i was ready to take that step again, to be more actively submissive. He hesitated. He said that because of everything that had happened, he was a little leery of just stepping forward. i completely agreed, and felt entirely comfortable both deciding and telling him that it was completely up to him.

You see...my whole problem in the past was that...well, was because i was thinking like a submissive. i was doing things like...well, for instance, one time he gave me orders for things to do after work, and i didn't understand them. Because i didn't understand them, i didn't do them, and it led to a fight. You see? Our D/s life was all about me...and that's changed.

i know, i know. i can sit here all damn day and say that it's changed - but does anyone believe me? Hell, i don't care. i believe me. i feel different. This past week, he gave me pretty much the same orders for things to do after work...and this time, i did them without question. i understand better about the reasons why he wanted these things, so that definitely helps. Fish asked me what i got as a reward if i did these things all week....and i was seriously at a loss for words. i never even thought about a reward...it was just, he said - i did. And i was HAPPY doing it. i still don't feel like i need a reward...i even called him today to ask for permission to change things around a bit. i think that i could hear a smile in his voice when i asked...i hope so anyway.

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

“Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” -Walter Anderson

*stare*

i'm trying to write more, so i figured journal prompts are a good way to go.

Fat chance, fatso.

So...i agree with the quote above. Lives improve only when chances are taken, no matter what form those chances are. There is another quote that i like that says something about how in order for things to move forward, something must die. It sounds harsh, but really...it's true. Moving forward in life means taking chances.

As far as being honest with oneself...

Ugh. It IS hard. And it IS difficult. And it mainly just blows...but it's got to happen. i mean...there have been quite a few times where i've had to take a good long look in my proverbial mirror and i hated what i saw. i winced, but i had to keep looking because otherwise i couldn't change what i hated about myself. i had to accept those ugly things about myself in order to deal with them, and move forward.

Gah. Move forward, move forward. i sound like a broken record.

I am unwritten
can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
the pen's in my hand
ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
sometimes my tries
are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
to not make mistakes
but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
-Excerpt from "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

Now that the obligatory lyrics have been shared....

i was listening to this song today on the way to work. i tend to have a lot of profound thoughts on my way to work - might it be because it before 5am? Probably, cause otherwise i'm just not that cool.

Anyway.

i was listening to this song and trying to work my head around my current problem - my self-image. Or...lack of positive self-image. Weight loss, exercise, motivation...all that crap that i have been struggling with for-ev-ER.

i think i'm afraid of loosing weight. i cannot for the LIFE OF ME think of any other reason that i CANNOT seem to do the things i need to do: for instance, i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i don't eat that damn donut. i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i go workout for 30 minutes like i'm paying to do. i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i don't binge. So why do i have such troubles with these things?

So...i played the Why Game. Now, the Why Game is not a fun, silly party-game. Oftentimes, the Why Game makes the frog cry. But, it's been useful to me - when i've been open and accepting of the answers. Here's how to play.

Start with a question of something that on your mind: for instance, my game started with "Why do i want to loose weight?" The first answer to pop in your head, no matter how inane it sounds, is used. Then...ask yourself Why. See my mental conversation below.

Why do i want to loose weight? To wear pretty clothes
Why? Because i'm tired of wearing ugly clothes
Why? Because i can't fit into any pretty clothes
Why? Because i won't eat right or exercise like i should.
Why? Because i don't want to.
Why? Because i am afraid.
Why? Because i think that people still won't like me even if i'm pretty.
Why? Because i'm ugly everywhere.

You see? Mucho emo.

However...through playing that game, i did realize that i am indeed afraid of loosing weight. i want to be attractive, i want to turn heads and have people flirt with me. But i'm so afraid of it at the same time...i haven't quite wrapped my head around that why yet, but i'm getting there.

So maybe my motivational problems have more to do with fear than i originally intended. Either way, i need to somehow re-focus that fear into positive, healthy results for me.

The whole...weight issue terrifies me. Just last Sunday, i was flipping through the TV and saw a show on TLC about a man that weighed over 1,000 pounds. They showed the rescue workers actually cutting out a wall of this man's house, of this special gurney that had to be used, of the 50 ker-billion people that had to help move this massive human being. They described his condition, saying that his flesh was stretched so tight that all the water was leaking from his skin cells and soaking the bed, that there was blood and fecal matter under his nails....

...and the frog flipped right the fuck out. Oh, holy shit. Fecal matter?!? Soaked bed?! OMG. i had what was quite possibly my first panic attack in 3 years. i literally panicked at the thought of letting myself get to that state.

But it's like...i never DO anything about that fear of getting so inhumanly obese. i know that i'm no where near that point right now - but still, in those moments, it seems like such a near possibility. But i do nothing!

*sighs*

Gotta fight harder.

i don't even know where to begin.

First...the hives were an allergic reaction to some antibiotics that i was given. i've been given more steriods and a stronger antihistamine to get rid of it. It's a relief that it wasn't anything having to do with all the earlier GI problems.

Last night, i was browsing a D/s message board and found a post about the importance of marriage. Someone posted that even though the marriage didn't truly change anything about their lives, it was her way of proclaiming to everyone her own committment. i told Darrin about this this morning...and i shouldn't have.

Darrin does not want to be married. There is something about the very concept of being married that sends his brain spinning backwards into retreat. i know this. i know i won't change his mind. But i also know that i -want- to be married to him. Will it change anything? No. Probably not a damn thing. We live together, manage our finances, make plans for the future already...nothing will change those things. But just as he can't help his thoughts, i can't help mine. It's something i want, and even though i've tried and tried to stop it, it's just not going away.

i'm heartbroken, and i do it to myself every time i bring the subject up. i feel guilty for wanting it...because as the slave i am, i shouldn't. Maybe i'm not truly a slave, but...i'm not trying to change his mind, i'm trying to explain to him why i feel this way. He feels bad, of course - this morning he said that he felt mean for doing this to me. What could i say? We both have the power to fix this, but neither one of us can. i told him that i do this to myself, and have no one to blame but myself. Since he hadn't yet been to sleep after being at work last night, i told him to go to sleep - he can't help me pack this away again. i have to take responsibility for this...i wish i could make it go away. i just want...i want to feel like i belong. i don't want to group him in the "boyfriend" group anymore...he's more than that, but i don't know what to call him. i don't want to feel temporary in his life...he never makes me feel that way, but the only way i can relate to this situation is how i feel, and right now, that is how this makes me feel. i want to show the entire world what he means to me...other people might not take marriage seriously, but i do.

Sooooooooo i went to the walk in clinic that the local hospital has yesterday, and got all sorts of medication. More specifically, i got predizone (sp?) to counter-act the allergic-reationness that's all up in my bloodstream. i'm sooooooooo relieved that it's working, i could tell a difference by dinnertime last night, and today it's so way better. Even the itching is better. i am supposed to take one predizone in the morning, and also one Zantac in the morning, then another Zantac at night along with 50 mgs of Benedryl - i tried that last night, and omg, i was on speed. Whooooooooshit. So far tonight i've only taken the Zantac, and we'll see how it goes, i have some Benedryl creme that i can use if i get itchy.

i think i'm going to join Curves. i have a handle on my eating (mostly), and i think that if i need to adjust that i can do that myself. my big issue is exercise...as in, my motivation is non-existant. i figure that i will have a few things going for me at Curves - i'll be paying for it, so i won't waste my damn money and NOT go, the workout is balanced and guided out, and it's close to where i park for work. There is a Curves here in town, but by the time i get in town, i want to be home, so i figure it's best to do it in the town i work in. That means i can get at least 4 days of working out in, and the other days i can walk or do the bike or something.

Need to do more, need to fight harder.

More health crap

i am Jack's hive-ridden self.

bleh.

Last week, on Friday, i noticed red spots on my neck, near the bottom. Weird, i thought. Then, i noticed a few more, and then on Saturday, my chest, boobs, and belly exploded, along with the back of my neck. Sunday the spots were crawling into the hairline along the back of my neck, and spreading further down my back and belly. Monday and Tuesday it began travelling down my arms and wrists, Wednesday the back of my hands, and Thursday saw the first begin popping up on the backs of my thighs, with every other place still looking as bad if not worse.

Fuck this ALL to hell.

i had a complete and total hissy fit on Wednesday because i itched so bad, even with Benadryl AND Benedryl creme. Thursday i had a wheezing attack after spending two hours outside, and Friday i tried to sleep as much as i possibly could because sleep = no itching. Today i gave in and went to a walk-in clinic that the hospital in town has - the doctor said that because it was generalized and not localized, it was probably something i ate or drank and was now in my bloodstream. Yay me. So i am now taking predizone and zantac, and also a double-dose of Benedryl at night.

Again i say - fuck this ALL TO HELL.

It really wouldn't be so bad with the itching. i can deal with the itching. But like this morning, when i had to show the doctor what was going on, i nearly broke into tears because i felt so horribly -ugly-. Everytime anyone looks at me, i want to cry because i feel so...i don't know, almost ashamed i guess. Even though it's something mostly out of my control, i just feel too ugly to even look at. It's a terrible, awful feeling.

Where the freak have i been?

i've been writing a lot of things here that i haven't published. It was strange at first, to first know that what i was going to write wasn't going to be seen by anyone, and then to simply stare at those thoughts finally written down. Sometimes i didn't even look at the screen, i just stared at my fingers as they hit the keys louder and louder. i'm not done...but it feels good to know that i have an outlet for things that maybe i'm afraid to say otherwise.

Otherwise, i've been well. Took a week-long trip to San Francisco with my mom and sister, got thoroughly sick both before and during, and came home not much more rested than when i left. BUT, it was a great trip.

i have really been feeling the stress lately...so much so that even Darrin noticed. When i called him as i was leaving work, he proclaimed that we were going out to eat and we were going to eat until we simply couldn't anymore. Um, okay. =) So the frog laid into some potato skins, a salad and a huge-astic portion of seafood alfredo. Aaaaaaaand we stopped at Dairy Queen on the way back into town.

i totally take full responsibility for any weight gain, and tell it to shove it up it's own fat ass.

Unofficially...it's not a hernia.

*shakes out the voice of the Governator...it's not a tuuumah...*

i went for an Upper GI test on Wednesday, and while mid-swallow, the doctor said that he couldn't see anything wrong with my stomach or surrounding areas. i sort of left the hospital in a daze, and broke into tears in my car. No hernia is a good thing, i know...but see, i walked into that hospital pretty sure of what was going on, and i walked out not having any idea what is wrong with me. Since i'm a "fixer", this was a bit of a shock to my system.

So...i'm not sure exactly what will happen next...but...okay.

Darrin and i had sex this morning...we haven't really gotten a chance to lately what with all the health problems, but it was just what i needed i think. It was long, slow...sweet and unhurried. It's been a long time since it's been like that, and it was...well, gloriously messy.

i have a whozit in my whatnow?

i was sick. Remember? All the spewing and such? Yes, well - once that was all concluded, i began having chest pains and wheezing. Yes, yes, the frog was a good girl and trotted her happyass to the doctor, who concluded after a chest x-ray that the frog has a hiatal hernia. Whee. Technically not a huge deal, so i'm not really freaking out about it. The only issue is the fact that it showed up on a chest x-ray, which apparently doesn't happen very often, and apparently means that it's BIG, which apparently means i'll have to have surgery. The wheezing is happening because i've aspirated stomach acid into my lungs. Yippee!

So, for the past week or two, my innards have been all kinds of messed up. i'm even having trouble eating - look in past entries if you aren't surprised by that. It took me almost an hour and a half to eat an apple this morning. It's a very odd sensation to have food sitting in front of me, and not want to eat it. Not even feel obligated to eat it.

So, there is my silver lining. Maybe after all this hernia balony is done, i'll remember this feeling and be able to push back from the table, so to speak.

i've always been the type of person to think of others before myself. As i was driving to work BEFORE the ass-crack of dawn this morning, i pondered about things that i want. Would i be able to make a list? Could i come up with things?

Here's my try. i'm going to try really hard not to censor myself.

i want:

- to pay off all my debt (which isn't really that much, but still.)
- to be thinner.
- to have people want me. *gets distracted and sings*
- to make people feel good.
- to be on my knees.
- to be hurt.
- to be marked.
- to be bruised.
- the new BDB book to come out.
- to be truly talented at something.
- to live in the woods.
- to be truly seen.
- ice cream.
- to go outside and dance naked in the rain.
- to sleep.
- to travel. Anywhere that isn't Illinois. Or Iowa. Or Wisconsin, ferpetessake.
- to have willpower when it comes to food and exercise.
- to not have to depend on drugs to function.
- to loose weight.
- to not be 267 pounds anymore.
- to be pretty.
- to be confident.
- tomorrow's doctor appointment to be nothing special.
- to have the courage, stamina, and general worthiness to make it down to 180 pounds.
- to stop beating myself up and let someone else do it. =)
- to pet my cats.
- to curl up in my bed with my stuffed frog.
- new clothes.
- a Diet Pepsi Lime.

First, i shall do a dance of joy because pixiepie reads my blog.

*DANCEOFJOY*

i'm feeling much better, thank goodness. Gained the weight back, but i'm not really sure i care. i've been watching that TV show on TLC called "I can make you thin" - and while i am of course dubious of anyone trying to make me thin through a television, i have picked up a few good tips that i've been working on.

i'm totally having random thoughts today, so step lightly.

i've been obsessing over Peter Steele from Type O Negative. Holee-keerist i want me some of that. Just thinking of him makes my uterus squee with joy.

i've been considering the idea of giving myself over to Darrin for a day...maybe the weekend. i know it sounds like a tiny step, especially for someone like me who's been "doing this" for so long, but really...it feels kind of big. i've been so self-sufficient in my submission that it's scary to turn that over to someone else. And of course, there's always the fear that it will end badly again...like it has so many times. At the same time, though...i feel differently about it. i'm still not sure, but i don't think it's fear that's holding me back.

Well, if that last post didn't garner any comments, then i am free to say anything i darn well please. Yay me!

i've been the sickest. frog. ever. First it was pneumonia, then Tuesday of last week i somehow pinched a nerve in my shoulder. THEN on Thursday...i get up, get in the shower, and promptly heave out every last ounce of everything in my gut. Let me tell you though, the shower is the place to do something like that...easy clean-up and all. This continues violently every two hours until there is absolutely nothing left, and i look like something death would turn it's nose up at.

Yay me.

Finally, today i am beginning to feel like myself again. i've lost 7 pounds - something that i am secretly pleased with and would probably go through the torment of the last few days again for.

It was strange, though...and a little disconcerting. Even when i was in the midst of the ick, i felt like i should be eating. Even when every PART OF MY BODY was expelling every last ounce of anything it could possible hold, i felt like i should be eating. It was one of the few times i've come face to face with my addiction, and it was scary. i didn't eat - mostly because i simply couldn't. But it was odd to feel such a compulsion even in the face of such...ample proof that i shouldn't be doing it.

When i felt like it was possible to eat, i've been very careful (obviously). i'm still a bit sensitive, and i was very conscious of how my stomach felt. i hope i can retain these memories of being full, because it was a very different experience than the one i normally have.