Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, pear, pork chop, cottage cheese, dinner roll

Total caloric intake: 990

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk, 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 2461

Current weight: 263

6:29am

i got up this morning and did my full workout. i really didn't want to, but i did it. i thought about even breaking it up in half, but i did the whole thing. And today, i'm going to dig myself in and eat what i'm supposed to be eating...instead of everything else on the planet. =/

If i want to continue to loose weight, this is what i have to do. Period. No waffling (Mmm....waffles...), no hedging, no "this one little thing won't hurt me." This is what i have to do.

7:31am

"Someone who is addicted to eating is actually starving on an emotional and spiritual level. Her longing for food is a longing for emotional and spiritual nourishment." - Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship With Food Through Myths, Metaphors & Storytelling by Anita A. Johnston PhD.

*blink*

i need to come back to this.

3:27pm

Okay, so. Am i starved? Looking back...and looking at everything that changed and that i realized over that one weekend this all started...yeah, i think i am. And i think that i'm able to (somewhat) control that now because i'm aware of it now and making changes.

That's a pretty big thing to realize, actually.

6:36am

"Infinitely more important that the answers are the questions, the choice of them, the inner form of them." - Oswald Spengler

Well, Oswald is definitely right there. i know that i ask myself a lot of questions, and sometimes i don't get answers but just asking the questions themselves sometimes makes me feel better. Sometimes the most important thing is just being aware, not having the answers. i know i feel like i'm definitely more aware now...

i weighed in at 263 again this morning. i really want to be able to workout again, but at the moment that's kind of impossible...the one space i had to workout in is being taking up by a sofabed, because fish is staying over. Maybe i can do it at nights instead...all i know is, it feels really strange to want to exercise.

9:06am

Feeling kind of mopey today. i did just find out that fish has power now, so i'll have my workout space back. i'm sure this mopeyness is because of my period - it's all out of whack because of the antibiotics i was taking. Meh.

9:58am

Ohholygeez, i'm so hungry. DAMMIT. i feel like i could eat everything in sight. Someone just gave me a bite-size Snicker to shut me up. =(

1:40pm

Okay. i'm doing okay...i had some soup and yogurt for lunch. i'm really craving something like cake. i still feel like i could eat the entire world - maybe a delayed PMS reaction? ARGH.

3:40pm

i broke down and had a Snickers bar. i feel so completely disgusting, even though i'm sure i've eaten worse than that lately. This is worrisome to me (honestly, is there anything that ISN'T worrisome to me?) because i don't want to become obsessive about this - i just want to change my behaviors and be healthier. i guess i should take some comfort in the fact that i AM upset about the Snickers bar (man, does that sound pathetic...), because it means that my behavior has changed from complacency to awareness. But still.

You know...i've been watching shows lately about fat people. And granted, i'm big but i'm not grotesque...i know this. But when i watch those shows, i can really understand those people. Food as an addiction, obsessing about calories burned and taken in, not thinking about what you are eating...it's all inside me.

Is it true? Am i an addict? God, just typing that out made me shudder. Did something so commonplace as food really have that much of a hold on me? i was doing so well...and since i've been sick, i just can't seem to get that "i can do this" feeling back.

Foods eaten: banana, cottage cheese, chicken, green beans, yogurt, tilapia, green beans, cottage cheese, cashews.

Total caloric intake: 775

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2079

Current weight: 260


7:45am

"The most perfect technique is that which is not noticed at all." - Pablo Casals

9:06am

Ack, busy morning.

Looks like i might be sold on Gor. i'm not really sure how i feel right now...i'm not unhappy where i am, but i like the potential buyer as well. i don't feel like He's the type to intrude on my RT outside of Gor, which is something that sounds good right now.

All of this does make me miss Akodo, though. i told Him in an email this morning that i wanted the decision to be His - i knew it would be anyway, but i didn't really want to involve myself either. It's my belief that i chose to be a slave on Gor, and that was my last choice. Anything else is determined by my Owner. i also told Him that i didn't want to loose Him anymore than i already have...which i feel like i might if He does sell me.

Anyway.

The quote above was kind of appropo for my thoughts lately. We had a storm blow through here which knocked out power for a bit on Saturday, but it also took out our cable (and cable internet) since Saturday night. So, i turned off my computer during the day on Saturday and haven't looked at it since. It was kind of nice, but at one time i did find myself wondering if anyone would miss me...and that thought turned to wondering if anyone even notices me. Surprise surprise, i didn't get upset or depressed or whatever. (i know, right?) i actually hoped that no one did notice me...especially in Gor, because the people who are noticed tend to be icky-types that i don't even want to be put in the same category with. So, if no one does notice i was gone, i suppose that's a good thing...though, as a human, it is nice to be missed once in awhile. =)

And oh, man. i'm so pissed at fish's husband. She's been without power since noon on Saturday, and had to go to a hotel. Well, her husband was in another town with his ex-girlfriend (i think, they were supposed to have broken up, but he still goes over there, so whatever...). Fish tried to get him to help her yesterday, but he was such an ass about everything. It's a good thing i don't have his cell number, but i would have totally reamed him a new butthole. i HATE weak men, and that's exactly what he is. To me, he is the epitome of weak men, and weak men make me want to hurt something. It's just...sickening.

3:56pm

To those outside of the Gor world who might happen to read this, it might seem a little strange that i'm being bought and sold, or worried about intrusion into my RT life. Basically, Gor is a roleplay environment, but some people (like me) take it a bit more seriously than just roleplay. For me...it means that i don't separate myself from my "character" on Gor, except for the obvious legal points. i put a lot of myself into it, and sometimes i end up getting burned in the process. But, i can honestly say that i've learned so much about my slavery, and i've been able to incorporate the lessons i've learned to my RT.

On a lighter note, i was down to 260 this morning, which means that i've lost a total of 23 pounds in a little over a month. Which means that i am almost halfway to my year-long Birthday Resolution of 50 pounds. *victorydance* i might have to re-do that goal.

Brace yourself. i'm going to be maudlin.

i have a great ache inside me. i miss being owned. Have i ever truly been owned? Not truly. But...even though i don't know exactly what it is, i miss it.

And i wonder now, if i'm simply missing an idea that's planted in my head, or if it's something deeper and truly ingrained in me.

i miss the quiet confidence surrounding me and comforting me when i feel so chaotic.

i miss the silent strength that doesn't need to speak in order for me to know, with no doubt, the power that comes from it.

i miss the intense scrutiny, even though it makes me uncomfortable...because it shows me that every inch of me is hunted.

i miss being hunted, period. i miss sinking into my animal, trying to survive beneath a power much greater than me, fighting until their dominance is proven and surrendering gratefully.

i miss the control. i miss hands in my hair, a cock in my mouth, my body responding without thought. i miss being wanted with a brutal desire that leaves my lips swollen, my face red, streaked with tears, slathered with cum and slapped with bruises.

i miss the binding. All of it. Mental, physical, emotional. Tie my wrists, cuff my ankles, close my throat while thrusting inside me. Cage my body and let my soul free. Watch as i change behind the bars, becoming more animal than woman. Leash me, use heavy metal to weigh me down, and watch my face glow.

Is there anyone....anyone who can do this? i'm beginning to doubt.

6:42am

"sin and evil
are not to be got rid of
just blindly.
look at the astringent persimmons!
they turn into the sweet dried ones."

- Zen Commentary

i don't have any problem looking at my faults and learning from them. my problem comes when all i focus on is my faults, those astringent persimmons, without remembering the sweet dried ones. i think i've been doing better lately. Remember the sweet ones, frog!

i've been thinking about the past this morning, especially the last year. In regards to my slavery, i've grown tremendously - but i've also spent a lot of time being ugly. i'm ashamed at the ugliness, but i also know that i wouldn't have grown as much as i have without it. So in a way i can look back at it with gratitude, but it's bittersweet.

i do miss being so involved with my slavery. Right now, it almost seems like a completely separate entity, like the Oubliette girl really is a different person. i miss feeling connected, but i'm not sure i'm ready for it. When i was connected to it, i got overwhelmed, confused and did ugly things. i don't want to think about never being connected to it again, but i guess that is a possibility. Maybe i'm meant to live that part of me on the peripheral, existing but not really, never owned.

That makes my heart hurt.

i weighed myself this morning, and was at 263 - which means that i must have needed the calories i was eating. i also realized that i was looking forward to being able to workout again - hopefully maybe sometime this weekend, if my pleurisy clears up.

i'm reading a lot of porn. =/

i tried to go back to my normal eating routine, but apparently it was a little too soon. i'm really tired. i feel better, but i'm tired.

i feel...run down. Exhausted. Kind of sad, but i don't really have a reason to be.

Still feeling crappy. Not getting much sleep because i can't lay down. However, i made it into work this morning and got payroll done, which made me feel a little accomplished.

i'm also proud of the fact that i thought i would use being sick as an excuse to cheat on the diet, but i'm not thinking like that at all. Yay me.

Got to talk to lyric for awhile the other day, which was nice. =)

"The thing that is really hard, and is really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." Anna Quindlen

i couldn't move enough to weigh-in this morning.

i was pretty miserable today...though at the moment i'm feeling better. Hopefully it will last, i know i'm glad i got the antibiotics in me early, because i can feel the difference.

You know what's really telling about a person? Whether or not they ask how you're doing. i've been noticing that a lot lately.

* down to 261 this morning

Okay, so i was being completely miserable and aching for sleep when i turned on the Oprah show. Do you know how hard it is to sleep when you have pleurisy? It sucks the big one. Anyway.

The topic of the Oprah show was a reaction to something called "The Secret." Google it, i'm too sick to link. Basically, "The Secret" is all about the Universal Law of Attraction.

*pauses to sneeze* It's maddening how much sneezing both hurts and makes me feel better.

The Universal Law of Attraction says that you attract the same type of energy that you put out.

Period.

Go ahead, take a moment and roll that around in your head.

So, i'm listening to all these reactions to this bigfatTheSecret, and i'm thinking....wow, i did all this a month ago, without help. This is what hit me upside the head that one (i keep wanting to say horribleterrible weekend, but it really wasn't...) life-changing weekend, when i realized that what i was doing would never be enough. i was expecting too much from the little effort i was putting out. Now that i'm putting out more effort, i'm getting the results i was looking for.

Even more importantly, it's infiltrating other areas of my life.

frog don't need no stinkin' Oprah.

Too sick last night to update. Shouldn't be up now. Brief synopsis:

- weighed in at 263 yesterday. This morning was at 261.
- ate alright, had to have macaroni and cheese because nothing else was soft enough...and it didn't even taste good.
- had a fantastic chat with midori Tuesday night, and got a call from Akodo on Wednesday. Both made me happyfrog.
- Took a nap yesterday and woke up with a fever. Went down to the Cities with Darrin, by the time we got back i was barely functional. Fever got up to 102. Coughing a lot, which means i have another chest infection - if the pain is any indicator.
- frog to bed.

Foods eaten: banana, popcorn, soup, cottage cheese, grilled marinated pork chop, cashews

Total caloric intake: 675

Exercise: office work, 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2891

Current weight: 264

6:51am

"Going forward is a matter of ordinariness." - Zen Saying

i am really...really tired of drama. i was thinking about it last night...trying to figure out how drama fits into my life. And i realized that i'm just tired of it. i'm not a dramatic person. In fact...i am really quite boring. i loathe conflict. But i put myself into dramatic situations, just to be interesting to people. That took up a lot of time and energy that ended up only hurting me in the long run, but also presenting a false front to other people. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to them.

What's really sad is...i'm completely afraid that i'm simply not interesting enough for people to want to be around, to want to cultivate relationships with me. The whole..."i wonder if my friends/loved ones miss me as much as i miss them" thing. i guess i can't really do too much about that...all i can be is me. If that's not good enough, then...i guess it's not good enough.

All i want...is to find my happiness. i don't want to drag other people in to my lows, even though i am grateful for the people that care enough to be there. i just want...to be.

Maybe a part of it is that i'm afraid that i won't interest myself.

Is it possible to be boring to yourself?

On a crappier note, i somehow gained 3 pounds between yesterday morning and this morning. i'm crossing my fingers that it's muscle weight. Goddammit.

9:15am

Sometimes i'm afraid to reach out to Akodo. i know we're supposed to be friends, but...i also remember how He spoke of some of the girls and how annoyed He got when they treated Him like a "girlfriend". i want to be His friend...i want to be someone He cares about, someone He can talk to...i'm just not sure exactly how to do that. i miss Him, though.

After a few recent conversations, i'm quickly coming to the realization that i'm a dumbass. Hang on, i'll 'splain. i put some people on really, -really- high pedestals that really don't deserve it. Now, putting people on pedestals is wrong anyway, so there's one part of the dumbass-edness, but the other was that i was simply blind to the blatant qualities of these people. These aren't evil people, these aren't bad people...i was just wrong in my impression and assumption of them. (ack, i keep saying ass words..) i wanted to see a certain thing so badly that i missed all the other things that make them human. Yeah, there are fragile egos...needing attention...insecurities...but those things are normal. They aren't particularly wanted in the situation they are currently in, but it's all part of being human. i have fragile ego - it spends more time shattered in pieces than whole. i have done ugly things to gain attention, i fully admit it...i know i have insecurities. But i don't really pretend otherwise, either. Anyone who takes the time to get to know me can see these things - mostly because i'm shit at lying. i don't pretend my fragile ego is pride, or self-righteousness. It's just a fragile ego.

12:55pm

i am supa-frog. i caught a mouse! In my office! All by myself! i let it go in a dumpster - the guys here told me that mice like dumpsters.

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, cottage cheese, soup, popcorn, tilapia filet, green beans, "mini" pickles, cashews

Total caloric intake: 720

Exercise: office work, 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2582

Current weight: 261

8:27am

Sometimes, i think everything would just be easier if i was a lesbian.

In fact, i'm pretty sure of it.

Damn my need for powerful Men. Dammitalltohell.

i had very strange dreams last night...mostly i remember bugs. A lot of tiny little bugs crawling all over me. Bleh.

Okay...i had a bad weekend. i felt kind of sad, i ate a lot...but i feel okay today. i've realized that when i have a regular schedule, like the work days, it's much easier for me to follow my routine. i get up at 4am, do my workout, go in to work, come home, and i eat better.

Darrin and i had another little "talk" this weekend - mostly because i snapped at him on Saturday. He was trying to "pounce" on me (i can't fucking stand that word anymore), and i just said "Stop, i don't want to." He took it better than he could have, i guess...i just...i don't know, i can't bear it. i don't know if it's that i'm no longer attracted to him, or if i feel so unattractive that i don't believe he really wants me. Right now, i don't feel like i believe him...i told him that when he springs something like that on me, after him being so distant for so long, i have no clue how to deal with it. He says that he was distant because he was giving me space. i believe he was distant because it was easier for him, and i told him that. He said that wasn't the case, but...that's been the case in the past, and i haven't seen any change.

Meh.

i wonder...if someone reading this, who has a husband, or a significant other...if that person couldn't acknowledge -all- of you...or was unable to provide for all of you, in some way...would it be worth it to stay?

3:12pm

Okay, i am awesome. i just went to the root of all evil...the vending machine. i will confess that i went with every intent of landing a Snickers bar in my hot little hand.

i walked away with a 100 calorie bag of popcorn.

*victorydance*

Foods eaten: a salad with dressing, peanuts, and olives, cottage cheese, garlic roll, blueberry muffin, popcorn, yogurt, turkey sandwich

Total caloric intake: 996

Exercise: housework, shopping

Calories burned: 1379

Current weight: 262

ohholycrap, i was bad today. Bad, bad, badbadbadbadbadfrog. A garlic roll?! Blueberry muffin?! WTF?!? Apparently, bread is my enemy. That garlic roll had at LEAST 270 calories in it - which is quickly becoming an entire MEAL for me.

GAH.

Okay.

i'm going to make mistakes. It's okay. i'm certainly not perfect. If i was, i wouldn't be on this diet. It doesn't matter if i make mistakes, what matters is what i do afterwards. Okay. Move on, frog.

It's a good thing that garlic roll was fucking amazing.

Foods eaten: 2 servings cottage cheese, 2 slices of toast, crackers, 1 Subway turkey breast wrap

Total caloric intake: 620

Exercise: 30 mins on bike

Calories burned: 1204

Current weight: 262

Today i am repeating a mantra in my head over and over again.

"When the slave is ready, the Master will find her."

Later Edit:

i am so completely grateful for the Stuff On My Cat website. Everytime i go there, it just cracks my shit up, no matter how craptacular my day has been going. Seeing the death glares of felines beneath stupid hats or a pile of random stuff just...makes the frog giggle.

Long live Stuff On My Cat.

Tonight, i'm really lonely.

i'm trying to figure out what i'm lonely for...is it companionship? No, not really. i think i'm lonely for...intimacy. i ache to feel close to someone, someone who recognizes every aspect of me and embraces it and wants it. i ache to be able to share everything with one person - instead of having to censor my words to different people.

i miss being loved. i miss having someone there who will guide me, who will protect me when i need it and cheer me on when i'm strong.

i miss not being taken for granted.

i ache for someone to want me so badly they can barely control themselves. i know the likelyhood of that happening is slim - me being the ugly duckling and all - but there is it. i want to be desired.

i want to be put to my knees. Please, god, please. i want someone's hand in my hair, i want to feel their power coursing over me, i want to hurt beneath their need for me.

i am lonely for someone to want to know every inch of my soul, and still be hungry for me.

Foods eaten: 1 serving Cheerioes with milk, 1 Subway Turkey breast wrap, cottage cheese and juice

Total caloric intake: 750

Exercise: housework

Calories burned: 1120

Current weight: 262

i got to see my family last night, which was really, really nice. They were all so supportive, and asking me questions, and telling me what they were doing. It's so good to have that.

Mom, Goon and i went to see Cirque du Soliel last night. It was a great show, really amazing.

i wish i had more to say, but that's about it. This is why i love Fridays...nice and quiet.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, cottage cheese, 1/2 chicken breast, 3 "mini" pickles, olives, 1 cup soup, 1 serving Wheat Thins crackers

Total caloric intake: 740

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 2321

Current weight: 262

7:03am

i made the right decision...i feel good about it, but i still feel like i've failed. Like i'm somehow less because i can't handle that.

Of course - logically i know that's stupid, because i'm not sure anyone could handle that. But still. Defeatist frog.

Anyway.

8:36am

21 pounds. i'm almost halfway to my goal for the entire year, and i've done it in 4 weeks. i have a feeling that the rapid weight loss was just loosing the water weight - which is why it came off so quickly. i think i'll start slowing down, going at a steadier pace now. Still thinking about increasing my exercise, but i want to be careful and not hurt my body.

1:43pm

Got to talk to lyric this afternoon, which was nice. =) she told me some...interesting things. i also told fish about my decision yesterday...i think she feels bad, like she wasn't supportive enough, but when i told her i was looking for a dose of reality, and that's exactly what she gave me.

Apparently, i still have a lot of things to work on. S'okay. If i didn't, i'd probably be dead.

Foods eaten: 1 salad with hard-boiled egg, sunflower seeds and dressing, 1 pear, 1 cup serving cottage cheese.

Total caloric intake: 440

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2481

Current weight: 263

So, i had a big huge post written at work about the incredibly horrible decision i had to make today, but i left it there. And actually, i think that's better. Time to move on and such.

Notice that current weight? As of today, i've dropped 20 pounds.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 1 pear, 3 "mini" pickles, 1 salad with sunflower seeds and dressing, cashew nuts and 1/2 a chicken breast.

Total caloric intake: 630

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2481

Current weight: 265

6:48am

It started snowing as i was driving into work. It was pretty...if a grossdirtynasty factory can be pretty. =p It's kind of hard to feel beautiful and graceful when you are waddling along the 1/2 mile walk from your car to the office, picking your way along a yellow painted line mostly covered by ice like the lemming you should be, wearing a sweatshirt, a thermal hoodie, one hood pulled up under your hardhat, the other pulled up over your hardhat, a winter coat that has the consistancy of marshmellows, and steel-toed boots.

i am sexay. =/ Frog-a-licious, even.

i was talking to someone last night about people only accepting parts of you. That person's situation just...makes me angry to no end, because they shouldn't have to deal with it at all, but that's a different story. Anyway, as we were talking, i realized that my situation really isn't much different than this person's - it's just on a much smaller scale. Even though i have people that care about me and love me, no one has really fully accepted the entire me. Mostly, it's the part of me that needs to submit, the part that aches to be owned. Which is disturbing, because more and more, i'm feeling like that part is growing to encompass more of me.

i think that there are people in my life who have acknowledged that part of me...but beyond an occasional "oh yeah, that's there too" moment, it's pretty much looked over. i think that's why i cling so badly to people who even look at the slave inside me - she's so starved.

i'm still at 265, which is beginning to bother me a little. Have i plateaued already? It could just be the dregs of my period, i know...maybe this is when i bloat and retain water. my first instinct is to eat less, but i know that's bad...i've already limited my caloric intake so much that anything more would make my body go into starvation mode, and i really really don't want that. Maybe this means my body is ready for more exercise...i don't know.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 servings cottage cheese, 1 salad with dressing, 1 serving of olives, 1 tilapia filet, 1 serving cashews, 8oz fruit juice

Total caloric intake: 635

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2477

Current weight: 265

7:07am

"What is beyond, is that which is also here." - Ancient Indian Aphorism

12:41pm

i got a message from lyric last night, telling me that i was inspiring her with my determination and such. That was nice to hear from someone else, i hope she got my message back saying so. When i think about it, though, i don't really feel so inspirational. i'm just...doing what i can, really. What i should have -been- doing, but wasn't ready to do. So...i feel a little like a late bloomer.

Someone asked me today if i was "indirectly taking shots" at people because of my comments about realizing who my real friends were. Just to clarify, i -wasn't- taking shots at anyone. As i explained to this person, i was trying to convey the new clarity that i am seeing things in along with the realization that i shouldn't waste my energy on people i have no relationship with - that i should cultivate and nurture the friendships i do have by being an active participant in them, instead of a passive participant.

4:22pm

Craving a lot of different things today, but so far i'm holding fast. Why am i so hung up on pancakes? And do you KNOW what i would do for macaroni and cheese?

Y'know...it feels really stupid to be so focused on something like food. Food has such a negative connotation with it - even now, when i'm eating better than ever before, i can still feel people looking at me, looking at my fatness, and wondering to themselves "why can't she control herself?" For fat people, everything is different. Even if someone is trying to do the right thing, the moment a fat person has any kind of food in their hand, people immediately get disgusted.

i know the cravings will go away. i know i'll get to a point where i will be able to eat more than i do now, as far as variety goes. But until i learn those habits and they become automatic to me, i can't risk it.

How sad it is to think of how much food has ruled my life.

i've noticed that my mood has taken a little drop lately - not surprising, since i just came off my period. Hormones and all. i'm not feeling upset or depressed, just kind of quiet. The good feeling is still there, just dulled a little.

Foods eaten: 1 Chicken Cesaer wrap, 1 tilapia filet

Total caloric intake: 746

Exercise: Major housecleaning, shopping

Calories burned: 1345

Current weight: 265

i found some new tea today at the grocery store that is so yummy. Did some major housecleaning and simultaneously vowed to do more during the week. *oy*

--------------------------------

i do not want to become lax. That is what i am afraid of at this point, slowly letting my old habits in so that i return to exactly what i was.

So, frog, here's a reminder...from me to you, of exactly what you accomplish every single day.

- Every day you live. The biggest, the most simple and yet most profound accomplishment. Remember when you didn't want to live? Look at those scars on your wrists and remember. Take pride in how far you've come, and be humble to know there is always more to go.

- Every day you get out of bed. Okay, weekends don't count. But when it matters, you -do- get out of bed. Seems like such a silly struggle, doesn't it? But i know you remember when you couldn't get out of bed. When you thought that the world outside your bed would somehow know that you were badwrong, and had to hide that from that world.

- Every day you go to work. What was your nickname during college? Oh yes - the Class Bandit. you go to work when you're tired, when you're sick, when you're crying and when you feel so messed up you can barely function. But you get there.

- Every day you are following your diet plan. It's hard frog, i know. Believe me, i know. The one thing that has always comforted you is now limited. Every day you test yourself, and every day you don't give in is one more success. What is automatic to every single other person is now recognized, analyzed, and seen for what it truly is.

- Every day you are finding out more about yourself. This is the hardest one, i know. Part of you doesn't want to find out more - because you're still so scared that there's something so terribly unlovable about you. But still you continue, opening doorways that need to be open...closing others that need to be closed. It's so easy to fall into old habits, but every day is one step closer to adapting those habits into good ones.

Lots of thoughts coming after writing that. i wish i didn't have to be so strong, because i don't think i am. i wish i didn't have to separate myself from people i care about in order to have any kind of relationship with them at all. i wish...god i wish i wasn't the person telling myself these things.

Will i ever be good enough?

Foods eaten: 1 pear, 1 tilapia filet, green beans, salad with french dressing, cottage cheese, dinner roll

Total caloric intake: 554

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 946

Current weight: 265

i'm beginning to realize more and more who my friends really are. Now that my eyes are open to so much, now that i can see my behavior for what it was, it seems like i can also see the behavior of others more clearly.

Clarity is an amazing thing, really. When you're ready for it.

i'm amazed at myself, actually...even through all the crap i've been through lately, through all the sludge i'm bringing up and dealing with, i feel pretty good. Not in the moment of sludge-regurgitation, obviously...but in a general, all around kind of way. i feel calm...maybe even confident? Holy crap, that'd be a first. Is there even such a thing as a confident frog?

It's the calm feeling that amazes me. It's almost like...i want to capture it and hold it up and stare at it, touch it to make sure it's real.

*poke*

Foods eaten: 1 serving cereal with milk, 2 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of toast, 1/4 cup serving of cashews.

Total caloric intake: 730

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 932

Current weight: 266

i was thinking today about internalization vs. externalization. It was one of the topics that was touched on during my phone conversation the other night. Strangely enough, i was thinking about it while i was waiting for the doctor this morning. i was asked a question during the call that made me stop and think - if i found myself alone, sitting on a porch or something with maybe a pencil and a piece of paper, could i be entertained? And as i was waiting in the exam room, i realized that i do that all the time - i get lost in my thoughts, entertain myself. Which is good, except that i was projecting a reality into those thoughts that simply wasn't there.

i started thinking about internalization vs. externalization as it relates to slavery. i think that the most profound slavery comes once it has been internalized - instead of depending on an outside source to -put- you in that place. Actually...now that i think about it, i think internalization is important for everything. For instance...once i internalized my relationship with food, i was able to change it for the better.

Huh.

i also got to talk to midori for awhile last night. she's so amazing, and been such a great friend to me even when i really, -really- didn't deserve it. i hope she knows how much i appreciate her.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 1/2 cup serving cottage cheese, 1 salad with dressing and 1 hardboiled egg, 1 Tilapia filet and 1/4 of cashews.

Total caloric intake: 815

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike, officework, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2636

Current weight: 267

6:45am

i had a really great phone conversation last night. Surprising, right? Since i become a mute when i'm on the phone for some reason and all..*L* But last night i was jabbering away. We talked about a lot of things, including the stuff that's been going on with me. i am a moderator for a community that He set up, and we talked more about the goal of the community and everything. He said a lot of things that made complete and utter sense to me. At one time, we happened to be talking about BDSM groups, and He was explaining that they were like a necessary evil to Him - good that the awareness is out there, but bad because BDSM has become so...politized. i agreed, because i saw it in the group i was in. BDSM has become so entrenched in rules and policies and "the right way to do things" and safewords and "SSC" and "RASK". As openminded as "lifestylers" are, they recoil from things that are seen as extreme - even the M/s philosophy itself. He then commented that so much of BDSM seems like a rehearsed play - everything revolving around specific movements and words and "scenes", people having to almost get into an acting role. i've seen this, even with fish's husband. We used to call him "SuperDom" because when he would go to the play parties, he would puff up and be mean just to be mean, clearly protecting a fragile ego. Being a Dominant Man isn't about saying the right words or how well you flog someone, it's about the self-assurance, confidence and strength. What -really- disappointed me was watching the people that would follow him around like he was all special, when really...he was just being a petulant child.

While we were talking about what it takes to be a Dominant Man, He said something else that struck me - He said He didn't "fetishize the fetish". He doesn't build a shrine to His toys, He doesn't make a big production of what He does, He doesn't place importance on the tools that isn't really there - His example was that collars and leashes are means to control a person, period.

i know what you're thinking - don't get excited, frog, you tend to read too much into things. *chuckles* Surprisingly enough, i'm not getting all flingy about Him. It was just really, really nice to be able to really talk to someone about things that are important to me, to have a conversation that was interactive and that i was -able- to be interactive in. It's always nice to have the things you believe in verbalized back to you by someone else.

10:50am

Akodo told me this morning that i shouldn't stay away from Him, because He liked talking to me. =) i haven't really been avoiding Him, i just am sort of feeling out the boundaries and erring on the side of caution. After this last snafu, i don't really want to fuck up again.

During the phone call last night, we were talking about my weight loss, and i realized that i'm being successful at it because i finally changed my mind. i needed to open my eyes to my relationship with food and exercise, and once i did, it was like i saw everything else in my life that needed a positive change. That's why it's all happening at once...which helps me understand it, and also makes me feel a little proud that i was finally ready to work on those things.

2:03pm

Does it seem like all i do is write things for my blog while i'm at work? i swear i'm working.

i went out for lunch with my awesome boss (the first thing she said to me when i walked in was "Let's get you a raise!" *L* Uh, okay!), and we were talking about the whole weight loss thing, and i realized that i really do -feel- so much better. Is it possible that the food i was eating bogged me down that much? Could the food i was eating have contributed to my depression? Man, that's a scary thought. i have much more energy, i've been in a good mood for the past WEEK, which is astounding in and of itself really.

i still want pancakes, though. When fish and i were out shopping this past weekend, we were at Bath & Body Works and found lip gloss that was pancake-flavored, ishityounot. i almost died. i would have bought 5 of them, but they were $6.00 each and i couldn't do it. Pancake flavored lip gloss!! WTF?!