into the becoming

Foods eaten: banana, popcorn, soup, cottage cheese, grilled marinated pork chop, cashews

Total caloric intake: 675

Exercise: office work, 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2891

Current weight: 264

6:51am

"Going forward is a matter of ordinariness." - Zen Saying

i am really...really tired of drama. i was thinking about it last night...trying to figure out how drama fits into my life. And i realized that i'm just tired of it. i'm not a dramatic person. In fact...i am really quite boring. i loathe conflict. But i put myself into dramatic situations, just to be interesting to people. That took up a lot of time and energy that ended up only hurting me in the long run, but also presenting a false front to other people. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to them.

What's really sad is...i'm completely afraid that i'm simply not interesting enough for people to want to be around, to want to cultivate relationships with me. The whole..."i wonder if my friends/loved ones miss me as much as i miss them" thing. i guess i can't really do too much about that...all i can be is me. If that's not good enough, then...i guess it's not good enough.

All i want...is to find my happiness. i don't want to drag other people in to my lows, even though i am grateful for the people that care enough to be there. i just want...to be.

Maybe a part of it is that i'm afraid that i won't interest myself.

Is it possible to be boring to yourself?

On a crappier note, i somehow gained 3 pounds between yesterday morning and this morning. i'm crossing my fingers that it's muscle weight. Goddammit.

9:15am

Sometimes i'm afraid to reach out to Akodo. i know we're supposed to be friends, but...i also remember how He spoke of some of the girls and how annoyed He got when they treated Him like a "girlfriend". i want to be His friend...i want to be someone He cares about, someone He can talk to...i'm just not sure exactly how to do that. i miss Him, though.

After a few recent conversations, i'm quickly coming to the realization that i'm a dumbass. Hang on, i'll 'splain. i put some people on really, -really- high pedestals that really don't deserve it. Now, putting people on pedestals is wrong anyway, so there's one part of the dumbass-edness, but the other was that i was simply blind to the blatant qualities of these people. These aren't evil people, these aren't bad people...i was just wrong in my impression and assumption of them. (ack, i keep saying ass words..) i wanted to see a certain thing so badly that i missed all the other things that make them human. Yeah, there are fragile egos...needing attention...insecurities...but those things are normal. They aren't particularly wanted in the situation they are currently in, but it's all part of being human. i have fragile ego - it spends more time shattered in pieces than whole. i have done ugly things to gain attention, i fully admit it...i know i have insecurities. But i don't really pretend otherwise, either. Anyone who takes the time to get to know me can see these things - mostly because i'm shit at lying. i don't pretend my fragile ego is pride, or self-righteousness. It's just a fragile ego.

12:55pm

i am supa-frog. i caught a mouse! In my office! All by myself! i let it go in a dumpster - the guys here told me that mice like dumpsters.